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The Dancer/Finny Valentine's Special #5: Alien-Hybrids and the People who Love Them was made by anonymous on 2/18/2003 at 5:04:17 PM.
Chapter Five: Alien-Hybrids and the People who Love Them
“Okay, the dragon I can understand,” the buzzcut man reasoned. “And I’m not complaining about any of the ladies in the skintight outfits, not even the one that keeps turning into a fella. But I’m having a little bit of trouble with the new recruit.”
“Green light, recovery team,” the bald man spoke into a microphone before turning to his companion. “What’s good for me is good for your army, general.” His face was turned just enough so that the military man couldn’t see his evil smirk.
“Okay, fine,” the buzzcut man sighed. “But… why him?”
“This isn’t fair,” spiffy explained. “It’s unfair to Finny and Ziles, I mean. Their lives rest in Visionary’s hands? Hello? An other-worldly fern is exactly what they need in a case like this.”
“Visionary will save them,” Asil pointed out proudly. “He is a great man.” She paused. “Besides, you haven’t stopped twitching since Doody-Head mentioned the alien-hybrid breeding programme.”
“I’m not twitching,” spiffy twitched. “And even if I were twitching, it would be because Finny always gets stuck in evil plots that involve alien-hybrid breeding, while most of my evil plots involve weed-whackers. Where’s the justice in that?”
“Finny is an alien-hybrid,” Asil observed.
“Everyone’s an alien-hybrid,” spiffy countered. “It just depends on your perspective.”
“Maybe,” Asil pondered. “But why would they want to breed you?”
spiffy’s sharp retort was cut off as two wicked villains burst into the room, firing freely with their transwarp psychostunners.
“Oh, this is awesome!” spiffy exclaimed as he slumped into unconsciousness.
Fin Fang Foom was beginning to panic.
“Alright… truth,” Ziles said thoughtfully. The blonde alien had a permanently blissful smile on her face – before Dancer and Yo had mysteriously disappeared, they had dared her to self-apply relaxor crème. She raised an eyebrow mischievously. “So who do you really like best? Dancer, Yo…” she paused, “or me?”
The dragon’s face flushed crimson, which matched nicely with the kiss-shaped smears of lipstick across his face – also a result of Dancer and Yo’s dares.
“Er…” he gulped. “Can we move on to dare, maybe?”
“Sure!” Ziles clapped. “Change into your human form!”
“Er…” There were two problems with this. One: There weren’t any men’s clothes in the closet. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem, but when the girls hadn’t been looking he had quickly shifted to human form and had discovered to his dismay that his civilian clothes had somehow disappeared.
Two: The only way to have a cold shower was to bring Ziles into the showers with him.
“Er…” he repeated. “Can we move back to truth, maybe?”
“That’s against the rules,” Ziles pouted. “But I guess I can make an exception, just this once.”
“So, um…” the dragon stalled. “You, Dancer or Yo, eh?”
“Yup,” Ziles said evenly.
“Which one do I like best?” Finny was starting to sweat.
“That’s right.”
“Er… well… that would have to be…” Finny stammered. “You,” he squeaked.
Ziles beamed.
When spiffy regained consciousness, he was immediately aware of being somewhere new. He was also aware of someone’s body weight lying across his chest. A slow grin crept across his face. He kept his eyes closed, savouring the anticipation.
“I wonder if Britney Spears is an alien?” spiffy asked himself. “I’d settle for Natalie Portman…”
Just then, his arm brushed against what felt suspiciously like the stubble belonging to a Scottish ex-musician.
dull thud opened his eyes and groggily noticed that he was lying on top of spiffy, just as spiffy opened his eyes and his dreams were shattered. They stared at each other for a brief moment of confusion and awkwardness.
“Okay…” spiffy said slowly, “How’s this going to work?”
Dancer, Yo, Fleabot and Veasel materialized in an extremely pink bedroom. Fleabot looked around and sniffed condescendingly.
“Looks like the shady government agency sub-contracts your decorator,” he noted to Vizh.
“What?” Visionary demanded with anxiety. He was covering his sensitive weasel eyes with furry paws to protect them from the neon onslaught. “What’s going on? I’m blind!”
“Shush!” Yo chastised him. “We must not be interfering in cute-Finny and cute-Ziles’ Makluan repopulating.”
“They seem to be having a nice time,” Dancer said uncertainly, peering past the doorway toward the pool. “Either that or Finny is hyperventilating.”
“Wait, okay,” the still-blind Visionary interjected, “So we need to stress them out enough to send them to the Happy Place, but sex isn’t doing the trick because secretly Finny likes the attention. Right?”
“That about covers it!” Dancer replied cheerily.
“And you think the stress of the morning-after might do the trick?” Visionary checked.
“I never get tired of your ability to recap,” Fleabot said dryly.
“So how are we supposed to reproduce the morning-after without actually having a night-before?” Visionary wondered. The other three fell into silent contemplation.
“Cute-Ziles was not liking it when there was being a rat in her bath,” Yo remembered. Everyone turned to look at Visionary, who didn’t notice because his paws were still over his eyes.
“What does that have to do with anything?” Visionary asked seconds before Dancer tossed him out the door.
“So you’re not an alien-hybrid?” spiffy re-checked.
“Well, I always did say my da was a bit off…” dull thud frowned. “What’s this all about, then?”
“Oh, we’ve been kidnapped by SHAG and they want us to, well… shag,” spiffy explained. “Not that we should,” he added quickly.
“SHAG?” dull thud wondered. It was looking to be a long day, and Space Ghost’s gig at the Fatal Toilet that night was suddenly very appealing.
“The Secret Hardcore Alien-Breeding Group,” spiffy said absently, then snapped his fingers. “Hey, my fern’s an alien, kind of! And you,” the fern-wielder gave the musician an appraising look-over, “well, you seem to be sub-human, at least...”
“If one frond comes at me, it’s not coming back,” dull thud warned.
~~Forgetting someone, boys?~~ Cressida spoke into their minds. There was an uncomfortable silence.
“Your weed is supposed to breed with my intestinal parasite?” dull thud eventually said. He rolled his eyes and pulled a bottle out of his grimy pocket. “I think I’d rather not remember the rest of this.”
~~Nice try, thuddy~~ Cressida said wearily. dull thud suddenly found himself bottle-less and coated with shiny green muck.
“Booze to ooze?” spiffy snickered.
“Shut it,” dull thud growled, looking around. “Are there any showers here, then?”
“My turn, eh?” Finny said with a mixture of dread and despair. Ziles nodded and he sighed. He couldn’t think of anything to ask. Finally, something popped into his head. “Okay, truth. Where do you live when you’re not in the mansion, anyway?”
Ziles froze and blushed. “Um… actually, I’m more in the mood for a dare.”
Blast, the dragon thought. “Okay then, um… I… er… I can’t think of anything,” he muttered quietly.
“Pardon?” Ziles asked, leaning toward him to hear better. Finny was suddenly very aware of her proximity. Neither one of them moved.
“Um… can I just dare you to tell me where you live?” he offered.
“That’s not a dare,” she informed him. “They have to be a little bit more… racy than that.”
Finny gulped. “Racier?”
“Mm-hmm,” Ziles smiled. Their faces were only inches apart. Finny could feel her breath on his scales. The strange part was that it seemed right. It seemed like everything was in place. It seemed like if he were only to lean forward a little bit…
At that exact instant, there came a pair of screams from the shower as dull thud and spiffy figured out how to turn on the water. Because the hot water had been re-routed to the pool, the showers were freezing. The soggy pair came barrelling out of the showers and collided with Dancer, Yo and Fleabot who had been perched by the bedroom’s doorway. All five of them landed on the floor in a heap while Finny and Ziles leapt apart in surprise.
“We are being here to rescue you,” Yo beamed.
“Don’t mind us!” Dancer insisted. “Carry on, carry on!”
With a triumphant squeak, and not noticing all the ruckus across the room, Visionary trotted across the floor and completed his mission by leaping into the pool. He poked a sopping wet weasel head above the water’s surface and grinned at Ziles. “Hi,” he said. Ziles’ eyes widened. Finny was still trying to work out exactly how much everyone had seen. They succumbed to the cumulative stress of the situation and blinked out of reality.
Visionary stopped congratulating himself when he realised that his tiny weasel legs were ill-suited to doggy paddling. “Glub!” he exclaimed.
“Right then,” dull thud said as Dancer fished Vizh out of the pool. “What’s going on?”
“And, um…” spiffy contributed, “how’d they managed that teleport thing? Can we do that, too?”
Dancer, Yo and Fleabot exchanged worried glances. Vizh dripped miserably.
Lisa absently scratched her chin with her hind paw. It was hard to keep both eyes on her inter-dimensional communicard while all the he-bunnies flitted by in her peripheral vision.
“What’s taking them so long, anyway?” she complained.
“Hm?” Lisa heard a thwack and Enty appeared on the viewscreen, rubbing his head. “Oh, all this cross-reality business can be tricky. In fact, I’m working on a modulator that should facilitate access to the Happy Place from various planes of existence. It might hurry them along, if I can just figure out how to work the nuclear matrix…” His voice faded as he drifted into thought.
“Enty!” Lisa snapped him back to attention. “What about de-bunnifying me? Not that being bunnified is too horrible a fate,” she added, noticing a particularly bouncy hare.
“Oh, not to worry, I’m also developing the Happy Place Destressalizer Transport 500! This one shouldn’t make everyone switch bodies.” He frowned. “There is a slim chance of hair loss or genetic mutation, but I’m sure I can work the kinks out, there’s really nothing to worry about.” There was a sizzle, a bang, and the screen was suddenly filled with crackling flames. “Nothing to worry about!” NTU-150’s voice could be heard from behind the inferno.
Lisa sighed and deactivated the communicator. She reached a paw over to where she’d left the trigger to the Happy-Place Conduit and found nothing but grass.
“Oh,” she frowned. “Drat.”