Dancer/Finny Valentine Special Finale Special Easter Edition - The Saga Continues!!! was made by Dancer couldn't resist one last crack at this. Happy Easter folks! on 4/19/2003 at 8:19:58 AM.
Note: Yes, I know Finny already finished this in a War and Peace sized epic or, um, epic proportions, but there were some more jokes I just had to get out of my system or explode. And nobody wants strewn body parts lying around the Lair Legion Living Room, right? Well, not many of you. So here goes with a little tale I like to call….
Finny/Dancer Valentine’s Day Special Finale Finale Special #15
…because I can.
[The Scene: The Lair Mansion. Flapjack is cleaning the mashed fruit off the walls and the Lair Legion and friends are pretending to listen to Finny’s after-mission briefing. Well, nearly all of them are listening.]
Trickshot: What’cha say? I wasn’t listening.
Fin Fang Foom: I said we need to debrief everybody, work out what happened.
Sorceress, firmly: I think there’s been quite enough attempted debriefings for one day, thank you.
Nats: Yeah. I’m never gonna laugh when people try and impregnate you again.
Hatman: * growls *
Nats: Except when Hatty tries it, okay?
Hatman: * growls more *
Pegasus: I’m still somewhat hazy on what actually did happen at the end there. After Finny was crushed by the Tellytubbies.
Finny: For the record, I wasn’t crushed. I was just… conserving my strength.
Chronic: By being pounded into the earth by a giant pink furry thing with a handbag.
dull thud: Aaagh! Last date flashback!
Everybody: * moves away from thuddy *
Ziles: I think the whole thing started to get resolved when spiffy, thuddy, Yo and me dropped into the SHAG breeding pens…
[Now there’s a wobbly sort of visual, denoting the occurrence of a flashback…]
spiffy: Evildoers beware! Having overcome your minions aboard the orbiting SHAGship, we have used your own teleporting bedware to bring us right into you evil headquartaaaagh!
Yo: This is not being SHAG control room. Not unless SHAG control room is full of love-crazed bio-entities attached to electrodes.
dull thud: Aaagh! Last date flashback!!
Ziles: We have been transported to the SHAG breeding pens. We have to do something.
spiffy: I think that’s the problem. They all want us to do something! I’m not that kind of fern.
Enormous Irma: C’mere big boys!
dull thud: Hold on. I think I have G-Eyed on speed dial.
[Just then, a big draconic foot crashes through the ceiling]
Ziles: That big draconic foot looks awfully familiar.
Enormous Irma: Fin Fang Foom! Get him! He has a super-shlong!!
Finny: * sob * Shut up!
Dancer (who has arrived with Finny back from the So-So Place): I know how to stop this. Everybody hide behind Finny.
Ziles: So far I like this plan.
Dancer: Now, Cressida, you can turn one thing into another thing that rhymes with the first thing, yes?
Cressida: Sure. What do you want?
Dancer: Can you turn hide into bromide? That should douse some passions.
Cressida: Nice idea, but I think I’ll do this * changes score into Al Gore – a surefire passion-killer if ever there was one *
Paul Drossen, Director of SHAG, bursting through the door with his elite SHAGsters: Not so fast, heroes! You may have used… eeew, is that Al Gore? You may have cleverly avoided our first trap, but we have many…
Finny: * steps on him *
Ziles: Happy Valentine’s Day
dull thud: Hey, didn’t there used to be a Weasel around here?
[*Hazy visual effect returning us to Now*]
Ziles: Of course, that didn’t entirely stop SHAG and Drossen, or it would have screwed up later continuity something rotten, but its nice to know that baddies can get trodden on by a nine ton dragon sometimes.
CSFB!: Did anyone else just see that weird swirly effect?
Hatman: SHAG were back for that sequel with Hoki and Wang, as lame and pointless as ever.
Visionary: Well I’m sorry, but I just don’t think that actually was Wang the Conqueror. He just doesn’t measure up.
dull thud, spiffy, Trickshot and CSFB: * snicker *
Visionary: I mean it. Look at him. He was making sense. And where was the pink sock mask we’ve all come to know and mock?
Hatman: Aw, c’mon. He’s a time-traveller who sometimes calls himself Kink. He doesn’t have to make sense.
Ziles: Well I think it’s romantic that he went to all that trouble just to be with a girl.
Trickshot: You do mean the thing at Starbucks, right, not the Pregnancy Gun plot?
CSFB!: That was going to the girls to get them in trouble.
Dancer: Doesn’t anybody feel a bit sorry for poor old Wang? I mean, he got turned into a monkey, raped by rabbits, assaulted by hedgehogs, kidnapped by SHAG, teleported by Hoki, and then he fell in love.
Everybody: No.
Falcon: And what was it with those squashed hedgehogs anyway?
Sorceress: Well, reality was a little screwy there for a while. Dr Mango changed sex at the end of the story for example. It’s got to be a little shocking for a large black Afro-Caribbean woman to find she’s suddenly an elderly white man.
Cressida: But not as shocking as having a three hundred pound kumquat dropped on her from five thousand feet.
Goldeneyed: I hate it when that happens. [Everybody looks at him] What? I’m not saying it happens to me all the time.
Finny, with that glazed I’m-chairing-the-LL look: While we were dealing with SHAG HQ over in Motown, other members were battling * checks notes * giant killer fruit??
Falcon: Ah, that would be Dr Mango again. I can totally explain. No, really.
Sorceress: Yes. See it was going fine. Your standard superhero-battle-against-giant-monster-in-central-Parodiopolis. The sort of thing that happens five or six times a week in the busy season.
Falcon: I was using my onboard weapons to make fruit puree, despite an overwhelming hail of exploding pineapples and strangely intrusive bananas.
Sorceress: And then Al B. Harper decided to use NTU’s improved combat toaster.
CSFB!: Hey, there’s that swirly visual effect again!
[Cue swirly visual effect, blurring us all off to a fruit-plastered city and a large gloating Caribbean woman]
Dr Mango: Nothing can stop me now!
[And then, by an amazing side-effect of Dancer’s probability powers interacting with the rest of the out-of-whack Parodyverse, that teleporting bed used by spiff and co. to get to SHAG HQ but that didn’t appear at the other end with them falls on Dr Mango]
[Sound effect: Crunch. Twang. Sproing]
Falcon: Ouch, that had to hurt.
Visionary, still on the bed: It did.
Sorceress: Vizh? Um, didn’t you used to wear clothes when you went into supervillain battles?
Visionary: Aaagh! *hurriedly grabs bunch of grapes for modesty* Yes, I usually wear clothes. Cheryl usually does a pre-fight check.
Sorceress: But she’s away right now, yes?
Visionary: Well yes, but it’s not… You see, I left my clothes behind when I became a weasel. Really.
Falcon: You were a weasel.
Visionary: In the Happy Place. With Lisa.
Sorceress: Um…
Visionary: No. No it’s not like that. See, Lisa was a bunny and… Stop judging me.
Dr Mango, crawling from beneath the mattress and reaching for her Pluminator: Now you die!
Al B Harper, in a panicky voice: Enty’s toaster! It’s going critical. I can’t hold it!
Falcon: Do something!
Al B.: * passes toaster to Visionary *
Visionary: * drops his grapes *
Sorceress, averting her gaze: Do something!
Visionary: * passes toaster to Dr Mango *
Dr Mango: What the…
[Toaster goes trans-warp, transforming Dr Mango into Al Gore and buttering half of Parodiopolis. Fortunately for Vizh’s modesty, this includes him]
[More swirly effect]
Sorceress: And that was when the now-uncontrolled giant killer kumquat fell on the villain.
CSFB!: No seriously. There was this big ripply thing and we all went to flashback mode. You must have seen it.
Chronic: He’s right. It was pretty weird.
ManMan: As opposed to us all being mutated into teenage girls who couldn’t be transformed back to our regular selves until we’d been impregnated and given birth to children?
CSFB!: Watch out! Here it comes again!!
[Weird swirly smashes into CSFB! as he tries to dive under the table. And suddenly we’re looking at Off-Central Park as a bunch of teenage virgin superheroes (and one teenage virgin supervillain, Chronique, arrive being chased by giant killer tellytubbies.]
GirlGirl: Nice one, Knifey. We managed to find one of those intermittent unstable conduits you talked about to get home, but now we’re back to being teenage virgins in need of impregnation and we’re still being chased by TV franchise characters including one ninety-foot gay icon.
Messenger, who was lurking in the bushes (like he does): I am so putting in an application to a different superhero universe.
Trickskirt: I want to know how that genetically-trapped fruit basket managed to transform my boxer shorts into high-cut French thongwear.
Nats: Sure you weren’t just wearing that already and just forgot.
Trickskirt: If I hit girls I would so spank your ass…
CSFG!: Wow! I say do it. But let me get my videocam first, okay?
G-Eyed: Er, guys, um, that is girls, the rampaging giant fluffy things?
Hatgirl, hastily: He means the Tellytubbies. We have to deal with them.
Goldeneyelashed: Hey, I have a question. Why did all of us get girlie names and Nats is still called Nats?
Chronique: Cause Nats is a girlie enough name already?
Nats: That does it! Bring it on, ribbon-gal!
[At this point Dancer and Finny arrive. Hey. It’s their Valentine special, right?]
Dancer: Don’t worry. We have the solution. Fin?
[Fin Fang Foom hands a mobile phone to Evil La-La]
G-Eyelashed: What are you doing? Who is that call to?
Finny: Bunch of high-priced copyright lawyers * watches as Tellytubbies vanish in a pile of litigation * See? Easy. * suddenly notices that the teenaged virgin Lair Legion are all around him * Eep. * hides *
Pegasus, evilly standing next to the mysteriously dragon-shaped rose bush: That just leaves us with the problem of who to get to impregnate us.
Dancer, earning Nobel prize for humanitarian actions: Well, there is a less fun way of getting you back. Right, Xander?
Xander the Improbable, wandering in to solve the problem, collect his fee, and go: Oh yes. If you all take the bus down to the St Jude’s orphanage and fill out some temporary adoption papers for one of the children there I think you’ll have met the conditions to end the metagenetic transfer. Be sure to leave a nice tip for the kids, though.
GirlGirl: I’m too young to be a parent.
Xander: I believe spiffy is free now, and buying aftershave.
GirlGirl: Let’s go, girls. The orphanage awaits. Lair Legion line up!
Finny: Which just leaves the problem of broken reality and the destruction of the Parodyverse to deal with.
Dancer: Then we can get a shower? * prods trembling new rosebush * I meant separately, Andy.
[More swirly effects]
Al B.: Dream’s right. We are getting narrative wave flucations in the meeting room. Must be a side-effect of the recent troubles.
Sorceress: I bet next we’re going to see how Lisa, Finny, Dancer, and Yo fixed the Parodyverse.
Vizh: Hey, I went too.
Lisa: Yes. Bring on the swirly thing.
[The swirly thing is brought on. Now we’re in the Mediocre Place, which is between the Not-So-Happy Place, the Eh Place, and the Could Have Been Better Could Have Been Worse Place]
Visionary: I’m still not clear on how all eleven hundred killer guard-rabbits fainted from exhaustion.
Yo: It was not to be just exhaustion. Yo is noting many of them are seeming to be vomiting kool whip.
Lisa: Hey, saving the world here, weasel-boy. Finny, do your stuff.
Finny: Okay, I’m going to fly into that cosmic vortex maelstrom thing and… what?
Yi, Guardian of the happy place: Pull the batteries out of NTU-150’s Happy Place Conduit Generator.
Finny: And that’ll do it? The chances of just pulling a plug on one of Enty’s devices are…
Probability Dancer: Yes?
Finny: Ah. Back soon. Excuse me. * shudders * Kool whip.
[shimmery flashback effect explodes, rendering the Lair Legion and everyone else round the LL meeting table unconscious (except Dancer and Finny, for reasons soon to be revealed)]
Wang the Conqueror: Bwa-hah-hah! Victory at last! My transplasmic flashback generator sucked them all into narratively-unrealistic retellings of minutia of my former plot and has now rendered them helpless.
Dancer: Oh, Wang. Why do you keep on doing all this self-destructive behaviour? It’s not healthy.
Finny: Plus, Dancer and I are still working on Happy Place time for a few days, so clearly we aren’t affected by your flashbacks.
Dancer: Well either that or we’re starring in the story and so we get to be in at the end.
Wang: You’re going to step on me now, aren’t you?
Finny: Uh-huh.
Dancer: Wait, Foomy. Wang, what do you think you’re up to? Slipping back to old habits when all you really want to do is date that Courtney Zusten girl. She seems really nice. You should give her a call.
Wang: Um, no. That’s okay, thanks. I think I’ll stick to what I know. Conquering the universe and that. Bwa-hah-hah!
Finny: I’m with him.
Dancer: Rubbish. If you like the girl you have to tell her. She might say no, and then you can go conquer the universe later, okay? She might say yes, and then all kinds of amazing things might happen.
Wang: If I surrender now will you stop relationship counselling me?
Finny: Please say yes.
Dancer: It just so happens by amazing chance that I have Courtney’s number right here. Hold on * dials * Hi, Courtney. I’m ringing on behalf of Wang the Conqueror. Multiversal despot? Fashion-challenged meglomaniac? Yes, that one.
Finny: Way to build you up, Wangy.
Dancer: So Wang was wondering if you were okay for a coffee later on? No pressure, just a good java and a good chat. He’s probably a sweetie when you get to know him. And he really seems to like you. * listens * Eight okay? Yeah, he can’t make it earlier. He’s about to get stepped on by a big traditionalist dragon.
Wang: She said yes? She said… Stepped on by a what?
Finny: * crunch * It’s for your own good.
[And finally, later that day…]
Dancer: Sorry the surprise date with Finny didn’t work out exactly to plan, Ziles.
Ziles: Exactly to plan? We were kidnapped by an alien breeding programme, transported to a dimension of love-bunnies and killed childrens toys, attacked by giant fruit, almost impregnated by a time-travelling archvillain, and half of us had sex or species changes.
Dancer: But we all have dates like that, right?
dull thud: * sighs in agreement *
Lisa: And don’t forget we have to find a way to turn Visionary from a weasel back into a human, or near facsimile thereof.
Vizh: Hey! I am back to human! And I’m real, dammit!
Lisa: You’ve turned back? That’s as good as it gets?
Vizh: Rassumfrassumevillawyersfromhellmuttergrumble
Ziles: Anyway, thanks for trying Dancer, but just leave Andy and me to sort things out or not, okay? It’s not like there aren’t other people who could use your matchmaking talents.
Dancer: Yeah, you’re right. Take care, Ziles.
Yo: What is cute-Dancer to be looking like that for?
Visionary: Dancer? Dancer, put down the phone.
Dancer: Hi, Stacy Gwen? It’s Dancer. Listen, Manny’s probably been too shy to tell you this, but I’m pretty sure he loves you, and he wants you to get engaged and move in with him…
[The End?]