Dancer/Finny Valentine Special #1 was made by Dancer :-) on 2/14/2003 at 12:45:01 PM.
Dancer/Finny Valentine Special #1
[The Scene: It is breakfast in the Lair Mansion, home of the Parodyverse’s least crappy heroes, on St Valentine’s day.]
Nats: Morning all.
Finny: Grumph.
Dark Knight (from behind newspaper): Hmm. See crime rate is up again. Excuse me a minute… [melts into shadows to fight crime]
G-Eyed: Pass the sugar, Finny.
Finny: Grumph.
Hatman: Morning folks. Morning sweetums-petunia!
Sorceress: Morning yummikins!
Nats: Ack!
Finny: Grumph.
CSFB!: So, who got valentines?
Pegasus: I did, but fear not. I shall hunt down the perpetrators and deliver them to gory death.
Dancer: Er, that’s not the _traditional_ response.
Ziles: That’s right. The traditional response is to hide in your closet until September. Right, Andy?
Finny: Gruumph.
CSFB!: Peggy, Vaentines are cool! I sent hundreds out to all the girls I know, special ones with pix of my mom on the front in some of her best scenes.
Pegasus *checks through stack of cards and glares at CSFB!* : DIE!!!
Hatman: Finny, Pegasus is trying to pull CrazySugarFreakBoy!’s head off. Don’t you think we should do something?
dull thud: Why? She’s doing pretty well on her own.
Finny: Grumph.
Dancer *thinks*: Hmm. Finny is not his bright, breezy self this morning. Perhaps it is time to do something to cheer our lonely dragon up. *thinks some more* Hmm… it is a long time since we did one of those Finny-goes-on-a-date stories…
[Later, in the Happy Place (which, for newbies I should explain isn’t as rude as it sounds after three cans of lager and can be found without rummaging under any kind of underwear)]
Dancer: …So that’s the problem, Yo. You’ve know Finny for as long as anybody. What do you think?
Yo: Is clear to Yo is cute dragon pining. Is to be have to set up date again.
Dancer: Who is it this time? I mean, we’ve already done the story with Lisa, and Lania, and Moira, and… well, everybody this side of Trickshot, really.
Yo: Is Dancer, of course.
Dancer: Well, I would, but I’ve already had torrid date stories with Con Johnstantine and HH and Premiere and Donar and ManMan – well, some of them weren’t so torrid – and there’s that upcoming torrid Messenger story, and if I’m not careful I’ll be getting another copyright infringement notice from Lisa. So maybe… Cobra?
Yo: Dancer is wanting to be dating Cobra?
Dancer: No. Only is CSFB!’s dreams. I mean how about Fin and Cobra? I mean they have lots in common. They’re both mostly green. And they both… breathe oxygen… and stuff.
Yo: Is true. They are being made for each other.
Dancer: Except that Cobra would try to kill him, and Finny’s already a bit… sensitive about female companionship, y’know.
Yo: Is true. Is fun to be growing bosoms in middle of LL meeting and to be watching Finny forgetting what he is saying and diving under the table. {Again the newbies need to know that Yo, being a pure genderless thought being can appear as male or female at will. That’s not as kinky as it sounds either. Well. Maybe…)
Dancer: You’re so lucky. I have to resort to dropping my pencil. And now Finny’s started taping them to the table.
Yo: We are being talking about the pencils being taped, yes?
Dancer: Until Enty can make some kind of remote control grav device to plant in them, yes. Back to the dragon. What about Ziles, then? I mean, she’s been squatting in Finny’s flat for months now without him noticing. That’s pretty much like living together, right?
Yo: Is true. And one day Finny is to be actually going home and finding out she is being there.
Dancer: So, all we do is find a reason to get Finny to stop working as a superhero and go home one night and he finds Ziles all curled up in his bed. It has possibilities. *thinks again* …for causing years of psychiatry bills and trauma. They’re both so shy. We need something better than that.
Yo: Sending them both on a mission to Hawaii to catch Dr Loveray?
Dancer: Or battling Holy Wedlock in Vegas?
Yo: Or to be a story where they must be humping to save the world. Oh, we have done that one, yes?
Dancer: Nail them in an adamantium room for three weeks with nothing to eat but oysters?
Yo: Would be to be needing a damn good plumbing system.
Dancer: Oh, wait… How about this…????
[Next day, at Gothametropolis National Park:]
Finny: And you’re sure there’s a supervillain plot unfolding right here, er, amidst this densely forested deserted area.
Dancer: I guarantee a plot. Really. Just stay undercover in that nondescript human shape and see if you can’t make contact with any undercover villains or maybe somebody out here to be kidnapped. But whatever you do, don’t give away who you really are. Pretend to be just a normal guy on a picnic, right? Um, I got Mr Papadapopolis to do you a hamper.
Finny: Picnickers usually have champagne and caviar in their hampers?
Dancer: They do when they take me to the woods. Now just wait here…
[Meanwhile,. Three thickets along:]
Yo: Is time to be going, cute Ziles. Is to be nice disguise you are wearing. Even your own teammates are not to be recognising you in that wig. Now is to you be pretend to be normal girl on picnic and see if any suspicious characters or nice men on other picnic needing protecting comes along, yes?
Ziles: And this is an official LL mission, right? Only Finny usually briefs us himself.
Yo: Finny is… nearby, in special capacity. Yes. Not worrying, cute-Ziles. Just be picnicking. THAT WAY.
[Two minutes later:]
Disguised Finny: Oh. Hi. I was just… picnicking.
Disguised Ziles: Hi. Me too.
Disguised Finny: …….
Disguised Ziles: ……..
Disguised Dancer, in tree pretending to be meadowlark: Tweettweettweetcorkscrewtweet.
Disguised Finny: Ah, yes. I, um, well, my hamper doesn’t seem to have a corkscrew in it. I usually don’t need one because I can just shift and use my… er, because I don’t often drink champagne.
Disguised Ziles: Champagne? I think I could get the top off that. I have a device somewhere here in my typical Earth-style clothing.
Disguised Finny: Thank you. Um, there seem to be two glasses in this hamper.
Disguised Ziles: Yes. *listens in a puzzled king of way* And a violin quartet practising nearby in the woods.
Disguised Finny, hopefully: Does it sound like an evil, villainous violin quartet, do you think?
Disguised Ziles, drinking champagne: It all depends on whether they come and try to sell us roses I suppose.
Disguised Finny: Have we met somewhere before?
Disguised Ziles: I don’t know. Have you ever been to the Crab Nebula?
Disguised Finny: Are you… an alien?
Disguised Ziles: Are you?
Disguised Dancer: Who’s for more champagne?
Disguised Finny: Did you say that?
Disguised Ziles: Did you?
Disguised Yo, in bushes: It wasn’t being me.
Disguised Finny, getting suspicious: Are you a supervillain?
Disguised Ziles: Are you?
Disguised Finny: Maybe. Depends if you are.
Disguised Ziles: Well maybe I am and maybe I’m an innocent picnicker who likes champagne.
Disguised Dancer: And I’d like some more please.
Disguised Finny: You want more?
Disguised Ziles: Champagne, you mean?
Disguised Finny: ……………
Disguised Ziles: ……………
[Then suddenly, in a plot-ruining contraceptive attack, the villain really do leap out to zap Ziles and Finny with transwarp psychostunners]
Disguised Finny: Thank God….
Wicked villain with transwarp psychostunner 1: Wicked villain to base. We got them. Both.
Wicked villain with transwarp psychostunner 2: Excellent. Deploy the not-moving field.
Dancer: Hold it right there, wicked villai…. Damn, I can’t move!
Yo: Yo is to be not moving either. And Yo thinks Yo is sitting on sumac.
Wicked villain with etc. 1: The boss will be very happy about this. Two aliens in one go. This will be a big boost for SHAG.
Dancer, still frozen and hidden in the bushes: SHAG? Finny and Ziles are being kidnapped by Austin Powers?
Yo: Yo is thinking this is to be Secret Hardcore Alien-Breeding Group. They are to be contacting Yo one, but Yo is not being that kind of pure genderless thought being.
Dancer: They’re taking Finny and Ziles away to put them into some shady government alien-breeding programme?
Wicked villain with etc. 2: Quickly. These two are destined for the shady government alien-breeding programme!
Yo: Well, is at least a date with promise of some action at end of it.
Dancer, watching them go worriedly: Those guys never said they were gonna breed Finny and Ziles to each other.
[To be continued…. By Finny if he wants to (or Ziles). Otherwise, little ol’ Sarah’s going to have to come up with part two herself. You have been warned.]
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