63.77.180.167 writes:

[The story so far: The wickedy Baron Zemo has blackmailed Dancer into joining his villainous Scourge of the BZL in order to help him thaw out his frozen wife – and that’s not in the Kirk Boxleitner sense of the term. Mrs Zemo got shot by an assassin back in the old days before continuity and stuff and has been in cryogenic stasis ever since. Ask Zemo himself if you don’t believe me. Go on. I’ll wait here.]

[The scene: A plumbing and watchmaking shop –what, you don’t have those in your mall? Ask HH about this stuff, I didn’t make it up. It’s a plumbing and watchmaking shop, right, down a mysterious dark alley in a mysterious part of Paradiopolis, Paradopolis, or Gothametropolis depending on who’s writing it.]

Baron Heinrich Wilheim Wolfgang Groppler Zemo XII (please note research): Hello? Who iss here? You, seedy plumbing minion in a silly red dressing gown, where iss the mighty master of the mystic crafts, Xander the Improbable?

Seedy plumbing etc: If you don’t see him he’s not here.
Baron Heinrich etc: Ach! Then I vill take you hostage until such time as the sorcerer supreme of the Parodyverse makes his appearance!

Dancer: Er, Zemo, I don’t think you’re going about this the right way at all. We came to ask for Xander’s help. You’ve gone into standard hostage-taking mode because you’re not concentrating.

Zemo: Er, well, it iss so much easier vith hostages…

Dancer: I don’t think it’s the way to get into Xander’s good books. Especially since this is Xander.

Zemo: Ach!

Xander: Very good, Sarah. I knew I sent that little package of probability energies to the right address.

Dancer: Well, it has got me involved in a neverending battle for truth and justice, but in a good way.

Zemo: Enough niceness! I demand your assistance, mystic, in the matter of restorink mine frozen wife.

Xander: Well, there are a number of therapists who specialise in these matters, and you can get viagra on the internet now.

Zemo: Frozen! Cryogenic freezing, not frigidity. Mine little Heike and I vere always quite compatible back before she was assassinated, when we were playing Hun und Shepherdess. I admit that since then she has been less enjoyable but…

Dancer: Eew. Well that’s Finny and DK and most of the Canadian readers grossed out of this story right there! Why don’t you get to the bit where you ask Xander’s assistance in getting to the Dreaming Celestian’s Halls of Possibility so that I can make it so that she was never shot?

Xander: And the part where you tell me what’s in it for me, Baron. Don’t forget that bit.

Zemo: Very vell! I vill release the children in mine laboratory without the death spores I had prepared for them if you assist me.

Xander: Ah, a tough bargain. I understand. Very well Zemo. I will get you where you wish to go, along with the Probability Dancer, in exchange for the release of those children and you turning all samples of the death spore over to me. And you will get exactly what you need in exchange.

Dancer: Er…

Xander (interrupting): So, what you will need is access to the Nexus of Unrealities. Only the guardian of the Nexus can get you there, but I happen to know his agent.

Zemo (suspiciously): It’s not the same one that handles Meggan Foxxx is it?

Xander: There are so many people who have handled Meggan Foxx that it is hard to keep track.

Zemo: It is not Roni Y. Avis is it? Only I don’t trust anyone who is an anagram of Visionary, and that includes the Apostate.

Dancer: Apostate isn’t really an…

Zemo: I DON’T TRUST HIM ANYVAY!!!

Xander: It is an old acquaintance of mine, a Mr Johnstantine.

Dancer: Con Johnstantine?

Zemo: You know this person?

Dancer: …….No. Never met him, the bastard.

Xander: Excellent, then you can get to not know him better on your journey to the Wookiegetlucky Swamp, as you hunt for the Bog Thing.

Dancer: ……..

Zemo: Ve will set off right away und meet him there. See that you arrange for his appearance, mage. You vould not enjoy the wrath of Baron Zemo.

Xander: As soon as I get the Death Spore and those children are released I’ll set it up. And there’ll be one of my complimentary sandwiches waiting for you when you get home as soon as I’ve received your Spores.

Dancer: Con Johnstantine…

Zemo: Vill it have pickle und mustard in it?

Xander: It’ll have everything you need in it, Zemo, I promise you that.

Dancer: Con Johnstantine…

Xander: You will also need this card of mine Zemo.

Zemo: Vhy?

Xander: Oh, you never know when your plumbing system is likely to come under extreme strain and need some attention.

Dancer: Con Johnstantine…

[Next time: Con Johnstantine – duh!]


Dancer